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Joke Number: 240
LADIES - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant quick fix. REAL WOMEN - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it: So you will bloody well eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes". ************************************************ LADIES - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. REAL WOMEN - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who gives a shit. ************************************************** LADIES - Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. REAL WOMEN - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your arse on the couch, with your feet up anyway. ************************************************** LADIES - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. REAL WOMEN - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs. ************************************************** LADIES - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake. REAL WOMEN - Go to the bakery they'll even decorate the sonofabitch for you. ********************************************** LADIES - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. REAL WOMEN - Sara Lee frozen bloody pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don't do it. *********************************************** LADIES - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. REAL WOMEN - Go ask the very HOT sexy guy who has just moved on next door to do it. ************************************************ And finally the most important tip.... LADIES - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. REAL WOMEN - Leftover wine?? Hello ??? ************************************************* A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a TRUE FRIEND will be sitting next to you saying, damn...that was fun! Source unknown.
Submitted by: Jonnee
Date: 2007-08-07

Joke Number: 220
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ...and," pausing to take another drink of beer...... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young. ....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shithead, what are you doing for the next generation?" I love senior citizens!!!
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2006-07-10

Joke Number: 210
FEMALE PRAYER: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, and always be my very best friend. Amen. MALE PRAYER: I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. Amen.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2006-06-05

Joke Number: 202
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so > much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I > have never figured out why men think with their head and women with > their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene > gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do." > > Here's an example of what I mean: > > One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the > passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like > it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was > that?!" > > So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads > hearing... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a > woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." > > She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love > me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing > that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. > > The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time > with her. We went out to a nice lunch, and then went shopping at a > big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she > tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't > decide which one to take, so I told her we'll just buy them all. She > wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a > pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she > picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was > really excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a > shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked > for a tennis bracelet, when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. > I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." > > Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is > all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself > when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." > > Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled > WHAT?! I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this > stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as > a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." > > And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I > added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things > I buy you?" > > Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2006-03-06

Joke Number: 201
Subject: The husband store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. A new wives store opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2006-02-27

Joke Number: 198
When To Use The "F" Word -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When is @#$%Acceptable? There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998 and a drum roll please............! 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#ing mad." -- Saddam Hussein, 2003
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2006-01-30

Joke Number: 197
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his > Sweatshirt. > Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, > "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" > "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" > He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." > And they say blondes are dumb... > _____ > A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the > happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." > ______ > "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out > of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if > I mowed the lawn like this?" > "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. > ______ > He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a > good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa > and fart. > ______ > Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? > A: A rumor > _____ > A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th > wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them > and said that because they had been so good that each one of them > could have one wish. > > The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. > > Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. > > The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... > Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! > _____ > A PRAYER.... > Dear Lord, > I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And > Patience for his moods. > Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. > AMEN > _____ > Q: Why do little boys whine? > A: They are practicing to be men. > > Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? > A: Trustworthy. > > Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and > calling your name? > A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. > > Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? > A: To stop the snoring before it starts. > > Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? > A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. > > Q: What is the difference between men and women? > A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every > woman to satisfy his one need. > > Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? > A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2006-01-27

Joke Number: 195
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference betwee! n a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends! over? Doughnuts? Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husba! nd and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A ! different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides and my favorite is... What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-11-18

Joke Number: 181
HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OutOfTheCloset Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OutOfTheCloset Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OutOfTheCloset Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life!
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-05-13

Joke Number: 177
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." "Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister.
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2005-05-02

Joke Number: 169
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday,I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own............. so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-07

Joke Number: 162
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, 25 cents.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents". The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his dinger into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his dinger....now with a button sewed on the end of it...
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-02-11

Joke Number: 158
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a >little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my >wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed >them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on." She did, and >said, "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied, "...exactly. I >wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night >we have never had any problems." > >"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. > >So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here - >try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit >me." So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I >always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." > >Jill says nothing; she takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and >says, "Here, try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your >pants." Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smartass >attitude, you never will."
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-01-18

Joke Number: 152
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day.... When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-12-13

Joke Number: 148
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
Submitted by: Danny
Date: 2004-11-27

Joke Number: 146
On Saturday morning he gets up early. He puts on his long johns. He dresses quietly. He gets his lunch made, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts the boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-11-18

Joke Number: 142
In case you haven't seen this yet, here's a quote from an email that >>floated through here today. It's from a Government employee who witnessed >>a >>recent interaction between an elderly woman and an anti-war protester in a >>Metro station in DC: >> >>"... there were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets >>on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly >>woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young >>(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely >>declined. >> >>The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a >>gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you >>care >>about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, >>"Honey >> my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have >> the >>right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, >>I >>ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." >> >>Gotta love them Grandmas!
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-10-27

Joke Number: 133
Art is a lie that helps us see the truth. (Picasso)
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-10-20

Joke Number: 124
Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. 2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch. 3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? 4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f______ way. 5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me! 6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. 7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem. 8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___? 9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work. 10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner? 11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. 12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die. 13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. 14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary. 15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__. 16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. 17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss? 18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck. Thank You Human Resources --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-11-12

Joke Number: 123
Thought for the Today Never hold your farts in -- they travel up your spine into your brain........and that's where shitty Ideas come from.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-11-09

Joke Number: 81
The Mistress A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big openmouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 79
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 75
Corporate Sports ---------------------- The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences: 1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling. 2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football. 3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball. 4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis. 5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf. CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls get.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 44
For all the men who like to send blonde jokes, it's payback time... Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A: They don't stop and ask for directions. Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer. Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds? A: The bonds mature. Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know; it has never happened. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: They all already have boyfriends. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow. Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes. Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They're married. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 37
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

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