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BLONDE

Joke Number: 200
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a Conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to The guy,.. "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me Ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a Flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose That is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2006-02-23

Joke Number: 199
Seven Degrees of Blondes FIRST DEGREE A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,-:* *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2006-02-23

Joke Number: 196
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and Help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over The table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... " he said with a deep sigh put all these corn flakes back in the box."
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-11-22

Joke Number: 189
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out ther just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2005-06-20

Joke Number: 184
Artery -- Study of paintings Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarean section -- District in Rome Cat scan -- Searching for kitty Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- Sheep dog Coma -- A punctuation mark Congenital -- Friendly D&C -- Where Washington is Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events Dilate -- To live long Enema -- Not a friend Fester -- Quicker Fibula -- A small lie G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game Grippe -- Suitcase Hangnail -- Coathook Impotent -- Distinguished, well known Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee Labor pain -- Got hurt at work Medical staff -- Doctor's cane Morbid -- Higher offer Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate Node -- Was aware of Outpatient -- Person who had fainted Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis Post operative -- Letter carrier Protein -- Favoring young people Rectum -- It almost killed him Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery Rheumatic -- Amorous Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -- Hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- Study of knighthood Tablet -- Small table Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport Tibia -- Country in North Africa Tumor -- An extra pair Urine -- Opposite of you're out Varicose -- Located nearby Vein -- Conceited
Submitted by: Randy
Date: 2005-05-17

Joke Number: 111
The Ventriloquist A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor." The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fellow sitting on your knee!"
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-03-30

Joke Number: 90
A blonde and a brunette were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 100,000 miles on it. The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it's illegal." The blonde said, " I'll do anything." So the brunette gave the blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer on her car. A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car yet. The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 50,000 miles on it?"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 87
The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" "Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said "Oh, honey there's more." "What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. "It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 86
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"? "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued.. "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS!'"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 76
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on adiet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." From hunger, you mean? "No, from skipping." ___________________ So, there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side." _______________________ Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em. ______________________ A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang-but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "OhDear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!" ______________________ A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder,and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! Youneed to roll up the windows first."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 65
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO... 1.Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight... 2.Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope... 3.Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter... 4.Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" 5.Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out... 6.Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button... 7.When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C" 8.Burned her nose bobbing for french fries... 9.Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125... 10.Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. 11.Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel... 12.Got hurt while raking leaves -- She fell out of the tree... 13.Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds"... 14.After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms... 15.Always went 'vroom-screech-vroom-screech' at a flashing red light... 16. Got locked out of her car and was trying to get in using a coat hanger. She was in a hurry because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 55
My Blonde Girlfriend... 1....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. 2....she thought a quarterback was a refund. 3....she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. 4....she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. 5....under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics". 6....she tripped over a cordless phone. 7....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate". 8....they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. 9....at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius". 10....she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. 11....it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes". 12....she studied for a blood test-and failed. 13....she sold her car for gas money. 14....when she saw the movie rating "Under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends. 15....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. 16....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home. 17....she got locked in a grocery store and nearly starved to death. 18....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 45
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 43
She was so blonde.... -- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. -- she thought a quarterback was a refund -- she tripped over the cordless phone -- She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind -- She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK -- She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept -- At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius -- If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless -- When she heard that 90% of all the crimes were around the home, she moved -- Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? it took her months to figure out she could use it at night -- What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "look they spelled MACY'S wrong!" -- Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? because it said "concentrate" -- What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? a dope ring -- Why can't blondes become pharmacists? because they can't fit the bottle in a typewriter -- What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop -- What do you call 5 blondes at the bottom of the ocean? an air pocket -- What do you call a basement full of blondes? a whine cellar -- Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? THIS GOES IN FRONT -- What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of cheerios? "OH, LOOK!!! Donut seeds!!!"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

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