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Joke Number: 249
Canine Philosophy

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world
like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that
loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never had to wash a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can -- that's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

Submitted by: Dennis
Date: 2010-11-06

Joke Number: 248
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said, 'we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning the weather had cleared and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


Submitted by: Jonnee
Date: 2010-08-25

Joke Number: 247
Jeff Foxworthy's comments on Montana If "vacation" to you means going shopping for the weekend in Great Falls, Billings or Bozeman (while the kids swim at the Comfort Inn), You might live in Montana. If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord You might live in Montana If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, You might live in Montana. If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation, You might live in Montana. If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", You might live in Montana If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, You might live in Montana. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, You might live in Montana. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in Montana. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You might live in Montana. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, You might live in Montana. If you know how to correctly pronounce Butte, You might live in Montana. If you measure distance in hours, You might live in Montana. If your family vehicle is a crew cab pickup, You might live in Montana. If you know several people who have hit deer more than once, You might live in Montana. If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, You might live in Montana. If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, You might live in Montana. If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, You might live in Montana. If you've installed security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, You might live in Montana. If the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game, You might live in Montana. If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, You might live in Montana. If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Wal-Mart at any given time, You might live in Montana. If there are more people at work on Christmas Eve Day than on Deer gun Opener, You might live in Montana. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, You might live in Montana. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You might live in Montana. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, You might live in Montana. If you can identify a southern or eastern accent, You might live in Montana. If you consider Red Lodge exotic, You might live in Montana. If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your cottonwood, You might live in Montana. If the sunbelt to you means Miles City, You might live in Montana. If a brat is something you eat, You might live in Montana. If finding your misplaced car keys involves looking in the ignition, You might live in Montana. If you find 0 degrees a little chilly, You might live in Montana. If you actually understand these observations, and you forward them to all your Montana friends, You must live in Montana
Submitted by: Don C
Date: 2006-12-03

Joke Number: 246
Subject: NEW FINANCIAL TERMS BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Submitted by:
Date: 2008-10-08

Joke Number: 242
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2008-03-11

Joke Number: 241
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out! ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. " BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMET When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Submitted by:
Date: 2008-01-22

Joke Number: 238
THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again. So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." No way. "Nuts and Butts"? No way. "Freaks and Cheeks"? Still no go. "Loons and Moons"? Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." Everyone loved it.
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2007-07-30

Joke Number: 236
The Purina Diet I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no..... I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2007-01-14

Joke Number: 233
Bubba and Ray (Red Neck mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2006-11-03

Joke Number: 232
Red Neck Vacation Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago yousaid to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2006-08-29

Joke Number: 219
Couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area, he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing! I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Submitted by: George
Date: 2006-07-09

Joke Number: 218
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender. Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Submitted by: Mark
Date: 2006-06-22

Joke Number: 208
The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a descr1ption of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. A new "Wives Store" opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Submitted by: Don
Date: 2006-03-30

Joke Number: 207
THE AMISH ELEVATOR An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady, in a wheel chair, moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son................... "Go get your mother!"
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2006-03-29

Joke Number: 206
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready." The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" Mujibar now works as a technican at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.
Submitted by: JD
Date: 2006-03-15

Joke Number: 204
Wisdom from Grandpa Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar. Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good. When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag. On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present. A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin' No wife of mine is gonna work." The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up. Many girls like to marry! a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. If you don't learn! to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2006-03-06

Joke Number: 203
I was in the Express lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? **** Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not HAVE 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. **** The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. **** All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. **** Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea. **** Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives." Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'" **** A man told the Rabbi, "Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked what was wrong. The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?" The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offered, "Tell you what - I'll talk with her and see what I can find out, then I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi called the man. "I spoke to your wife - spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2006-03-06

Joke Number: 194
A comical look at aging I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it? I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!" An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be buried at Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one yet called "Buns of Putty." Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing. THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2005-10-11

Joke Number: 193
Sayings You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution." "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room." "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches." "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue." "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration." "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?" "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2005-09-08

Joke Number: 192
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2005-07-11

Joke Number: 190
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, and two Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2005-06-27

Joke Number: 187
Definition of Bravery: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bravery is arriving home late after a boys night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-06-08

Joke Number: 186
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 Year Old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." "The Second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hencet he smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson, Norwegian from Minnesota, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-05-18

Joke Number: 185
Investing For Your Retirement Love becomes your greatest master when the Master becomes your greatest love. -- Harry Moyle Tippett INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT: If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. -O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. -O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left -0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00. -0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2005-05-17

Joke Number: 180
"Test for Dementia" "It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test." Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin. WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR! 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2. 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4. 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"? Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" and hope they do better than you did. PS: 95% of people fail in most of the questions!!
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2005-05-12

Joke Number: 179
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it! 1. This is this cat 2. This is is cat 3. This is how cat 4. This is to cat 5. This is keep cat 6. This is an cat 7. This is old cat 8. This is person cat 9. This is busy cat 10. This is for cat 11. This is forty cat 12. This is seconds cat Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.
Submitted by: Don
Date: 2005-05-11

Joke Number: 178
Beer Theories Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So,let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- George Bernard Shaw Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c. -- W.C. Fields Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kill brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2005-05-07

Joke Number: 176
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive." A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you . . . but don't start anything." A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!", exclaimed Daisy. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Submitted by: Don
Date: 2005-04-14

Joke Number: 175
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on a vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, ""Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00? The man replied, A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here and three days later rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2005-04-08

Joke Number: 174
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-31

Joke Number: 173
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-07

Joke Number: 172
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-07

Joke Number: 171
WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Submitted by: T
Date: 2005-03-07

Joke Number: 170
WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says......... "HEBREWS"
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-07

Joke Number: 168
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-07

Joke Number: 167
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-07

Joke Number: 166
WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-07

Joke Number: 165
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-07

Joke Number: 164
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-03-03

Joke Number: 163
NEW WORDS FOR 2005 -- Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than by working hard. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. (What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.) STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nicole show or the Bachelor is a prime example. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located.) GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust (leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING).
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-02-24

Joke Number: 160
WHY.... Here are some more of those ridiculous things that make you wonder, "WHY?" 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangling things and drink whatever comes out? " 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt?" 3. Why is there a light in the refrigerator but not in the freezer? 4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when asking for the location of the restroom? 7. Why does the OB/GYN leave the room when the patient is undressing when he is going to look up there anyway? 8. Since they are both dogs, why does Goofy stand erect and Pluto remains on all fours? 9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 11. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 13. Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 14. Stop singing and read on! 15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window? 17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-01-28

Joke Number: 159
Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-01-27

Joke Number: 157
The parish priest was being honored at a dinner, for serving 25 years in their town. All the important people were there; but the main speaker, a politician, was delayed by deep snow on the highway from the capitol. To avoid lengthening the party any longer than already, the old priest offered to speak first. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken; however, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only speak indirectly about this; but when I came here those many years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled; but as the days went on I came to realize that my people were not all like that; and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people...." At this point the politician arrived, full of apologies at being late. He took the podium and began his talk. "I'll never forget the first day Father arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession." Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2005-01-08

Joke Number: 156
"HUSBANDS-R-US STORE" A Husbands-R-Us store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates. There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husbands-R-Us Store to find a husband...... On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husbands-R-Us Store. Watch your step as you exit the building - and have a nice day !
Submitted by: Danny
Date: 2004-12-19

Joke Number: 155
Concerned About Too Many Carbs In Your Diet? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-12-13

Joke Number: 154
ITALIAN PASTA DIET (IT REALLY WORKS): 1) You walka pasta da bakery. 2) You walka pasta da candy store. 3) You walka pasta da Ice-a Creama shop. 4) You walka pasta da table ana da fridge.
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-12-13

Joke Number: 151
ALMONDS A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches down. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Where upon the old lady answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2004-12-10

Joke Number: 150
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run My favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-12-10

Joke Number: 149
Be Careful What You Wish For! A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich. The waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $12.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago, when I was cleaning the attic, I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs, who agrees with everything I say!"
Submitted by: Danny
Date: 2004-11-27

Joke Number: 147
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: ---------------------------------------- On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" ---------------------------------------- On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ---------------------------------------- On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." ---------------------------------------- There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" ---------------------------------------- "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ---------------------------------------- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" ---------------------------------------- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." ---------------------------------------- From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." ---------------------------------------- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." ---------------------------------------- Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." ---------------------------------------- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." ---------------------------------------- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." ---------------------------------------- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" ---------------------------------------- Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." ---------------------------------------- Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ---------------------------------------- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ---------------------------------------- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" ---------------------------------------- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." ---------------------------------------- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." ---------------------------------------- Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." ---------------------------------------- A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Submitted by: Lorraine
Date: 2004-11-21

Joke Number: 145
A senior citizen bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror. There was a highway patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man as he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100-mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the state trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The state trooper replied, "Have a nice day."
Submitted by: Danny
Date: 2004-11-14

Joke Number: 144
An Amish family were in a mall for the first time. The boy and his father were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."
Submitted by: Danny
Date: 2004-11-14

Joke Number: 143
Teacher Arrested!" At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes!!!
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-11-04

Joke Number: 141
How many personnel managers does it take to replace a light bulb? Three. One to take out the old bulb, one to screw in the new bulb, and one to file the old bulb away.
Submitted by: t
Date: 2004-10-20

Joke Number: 140
How many managers does it take to replace a light bulb? Two. One to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-10-20

Joke Number: 139
How many CEOs does it take to replace a light bulb? Three. One to hold a meeting to discuss the change, one to dictate it to the secretary, and one to delegate it to the vice-president.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-10-20

Joke Number: 138
How many McDonald's restaurant managers does it take to replace a light bulb? One, but first he has to watch the training video three times.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-10-20

Joke Number: 129
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Sad Day (some culturally based humour) It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following: Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-10-20

Joke Number: 126
You live in Arizona when... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You can open your car without touching the door and you can drive your car without touching the steering wheel. 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. 6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. 7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! 10. You know that "dry heat" is actually comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. You Live in California when... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The high school quarterback calls a time out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You live in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4. You think Central Park is "nature," 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think ! eye cont act is an act of aggression. You Live in Maine when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You Live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?" 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. You live in Colorado when... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day and back again. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" You live in Florida when.... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends, anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2004-06-17

Joke Number: 125
Why Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood -- all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can do your nails with a pocket-knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2004-06-17

Joke Number: 122
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter; "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course". Jacob: "Medicine for my memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speed and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-06-16

Joke Number: 121
DEFINITION OF A BBQ It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 1) The woman goes to the shops. 2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand. 4) The man places the meat on the grill. 5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation. 7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-06-14

Joke Number: 120
Ramblings of a Retired Mind - some thoughts. I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.' I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust." I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!" Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures! I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-06-14

Joke Number: 118
TOMATO PRICES A small boy was looking at the ripe, red tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy, pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller, green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "Okay," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-06-14

Joke Number: 117
The Blind Man A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1 The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. 5 The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-06-14

Joke Number: 116
LET'S SWITCH Tracy was driving to work. While stopped at a red light, her car died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her was starting to grow. The man in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Tracy continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally, Tracy gets out of her car, and approaches the man. "I can't seem to get my car started," she said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart, and go see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car, and lean on the horn for you."
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-06-14

Joke Number: 115
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you question? The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its "heart", take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
Submitted by: Don
Date: 2004-05-17

Joke Number: 114
Knock Knock.. Who's there? Brocolli. Brocolli Who? Brocolli doesn't have a last name.....
Submitted by: dodallydupid
Date: 2004-04-26

Joke Number: 113
LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT. Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed til nearly 5a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Gail.
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-04-15

Joke Number: 110
These are so bad, they're good: 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean and twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn! A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-03-28

Joke Number: 109
The Jar and You When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some problems in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued," there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2004-03-28

Joke Number: 96
What My Mother Taught Me....... My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 95
25 Ways to tell you're in Los Angeles (but it makes more sense if you live here or have visited often) 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, is named Breeze. 5. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian. 8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula. 9. A really great parking space can move you to tears. 10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. 11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. 13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice. 14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney ...IS George Clooney. 15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 16. The gym is packed at 3 p.m. ....on a work day. 17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2004". 19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. 20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal. 21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder. 22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care. 23. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. 24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 25. You AND your pets have therapists.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 93
YOU MIGHT BE FROM WESTERN WASHINGTON IF. . . 1. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation. 2. You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty. 3. You use the words 'sun breaks' and know what it means. 4. You know more than 10 ways to order a cup of coffee. 5. You complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice its value. 6. You never go camping without waterproof matches and ponchos. 7. Half your friends work at Microsoft or Boeing. 8. You know the exact location of fifteen drive-thru espresso stands in your neighborhood. 9. You stand on a deserted street corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal. 10. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners. 11. You obey all traffic laws except "Keep right except to pass". 12. You forgot that you added the turn signal light option to your car. 13. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee and Tully's. 14. You consider swimming an indoor sport. 15. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain. 16. You know what they mean: "Today's forecast: Showers followed by rain" and "Tomorrow's forecast: Rain followed by showers". 17. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai. 18. In the winter, you go to work in the dark, come home in the dark, and only have an 8 hour work day. 19. You understand what people mean when they say 'pop'. 20. You consider a floating bridge a pain in the butt, not an Engineering marvel. 21. You know what lutefisk is. 22. You feel overdressed wearing a suit or a dress to a really nice restaurant. 23. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover. 24. You personally know someone from Alaska. 25. You feel like you've grown up with Bill Gates and can't figure out why people can be so mean to him. 26. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. 27. You find a wallet (in a good neighborhood) with $500 and give it back to the owner. 28. You know how to pronounce: Sequim, Puyallup, Rainier, Enumclaw, and Issaquah. 29. You used to live somewhere else but won't admit it publicly. 30. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon. 31. You knew immediately that the view out Frasier's window was fake. 32. You've ordered a half caff/decaf, non-fat mocha Grande with raspberry whip (or know what it is) 33. The bride & groom registered at REI. 34. You are amazed at an accurate weather forecast. 35. If someone ran your car off the freeway, you might drown. 36. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50 degrees, but still wear your hiking boots and parka. 37. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60 degrees, but keep the socks on. 38. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain. 39. You'd be miffed if the store were out of your favorite brand of water. 40. Fifteen blocks away is a good parking spot
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Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 83
CONVERSION RATIOS: Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 82
A man in Florida, in his 60s, calls his son in Saginaw, Texas. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sisters shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sisters in Batavia and Elburn, IL and tells them the news. One of the sisters says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we all get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 80
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,"Martha, I'm 91 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 78
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM MONTANA IF... Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor and combinecrew on the highway. "Vacation" means driving through Glacier or Yellowstone Park or going "back to school" shopping in Billings. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. You measure distance in miles, not minutes. You've been to a tractor rally. Down south, to you, means Wyoming. Minneapolis is "back east" andWashington is "the coast." You know people who have hit deer, elk, moose or cattle. You know who has to pay for the damage to your truck and the dead cow when you hit one. Your school classes were cancelled because of cold, but only when it was -40 F or colder and the schools ran out of coal. You drive 100 miles out of your way for a Pickle Barrel or Pork Chop Johns. You know what a red beer and a whiskey ditch are. You think the best beers available on the market today are Rainier, Oly and Coors. You're still mad that Great Falls Select is no longer made. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the sameday. You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at? or If you go to the mall, I wanna go with. You often reply you bet! or hell yes! All the festivals across the state are named after fruits, vegetables, grain ortesticles. You've gotten a "To Go" drink from the local bar. You've stopped by the local bar to cash a check. You install security lights on your house and barn and leave both unlocked. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer and Jell-O saladwith marshmallows. You carry jumper cables in your car. You know what Cow Tipping, Garden Raiding, Snipe Hunting are. You only own three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. You understand that it is simply not proper to put ketchup or steak sauce on a good steak. You know someone who's lost their license due to a DUI and have seen theirtractor or snowmobile parked at the local bar. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. You've gone to the grocery store on a snowmobile. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. Driving in the winter is often simply a matter of staying between the fenceposts. You think that washing you pickup is a waste of time and money. You have never owned a vehicle that did not have cracks in the windshield. You think everyone from a bigger city is stuck up. You get a little claustrophobic when you're in a big city like Missoula and their traffic is just awful, you wouldn't believe it. You've attempted to set new land speed records on Montana's highways. You think sexy winter lingerie is a flannel nightie and tube socks. You know how many cords of wood it takes to get through the winter. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for High School Sports. You think that the opening of elk season should be a national holiday. You carry a roll of toilet paper in the glove box in case you have to stop and go by the road. Your radio antenna is an old clothes hanger or piece of bailing wire. You find -20 F a little chilly. You know all four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction. You know what a real Rocky Mountain Oyster is and have a recipe for them. You know what a Pasty is. You know how to properly pronounce the capital of Montana, the capital of South Dakota and the state of Oregon. You know someone who's shot themselves accidentally. Driver's Education was a joke for you and all of your classmates since you all had been driving since you were 10.
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 77
An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out. After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense called the local sheriff as a witness. The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?" The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'" The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?" "I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied. So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'" The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog. Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse. Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 74
The Lucky Government Employee ----------------------------------------- A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an beautiful island for holiday." POOF! Suddenly he is on an beautiful island with. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 73
A Matter Of Punctuation ------------------------------ An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 72
Looking Toward The Courtroom Door ---------------------------------------------- A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 71
All My Jobs ------------- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 70
ALTERNATIVE MEANINGS: Alternative Meanings ---------------------------------------- Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage. Burglarize: What a crook sees with. Control: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does. Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty: How golfers create divots. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacists: A helper on the farm. Polarize: What penguins see with. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief: What trees do each spring. Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued: A guy that works on submarines. Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 69
Some Truisms 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shal! l never cease to be amused.
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 67
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!" "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, avoid contact with her."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 66
Wondrous things Some things just make you wonder: 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist? 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam. 21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? 23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 25. No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning. 26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 64
A man left work one Friday afternoon on a payday. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 63
THINGS TEACHERS WOULD LOVE TO WRITE ON STUDENT'S REPORT CARD, BUT CAN'T... 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. This student has delusions of adequacy. 4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. The student sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. Student has been working with glue too much. 8. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell. 9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 62
MAFIA VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS: 15. My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement. 14. I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes. 13. Lie down with me It's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa. 12. I picked up this card from a slim selection, But that's all they offer in witness protection. Love, J. Doe 11. I've waited so long for you to be mine! Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine. 10. Be my Valentine ... and we can do it execution-style. 9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass. So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass. 8. Violets are blue, roses are red. I blew up your car So why ain't you dead? 7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look, You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook! 6. Hey. 5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you're untouchable Like Elliot Ness. 4. Lust is fleeting, True love lingers. Be mine always And you'll keep your fingers. 3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like. 2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand, So I won't be a self-made man. and the Number 1 Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting... 1. When a goon makes you die, cuz you told him goodbye that's amore!
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 60
A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. -- So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Roma da..." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!" A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really...What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the lousy hairdo?"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 59
DOGS: 1."In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown 2."If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown 3."Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown 4."Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill 5."To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley 6."A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley 7."Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy 8."I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg 9."No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --Fran Lebowitz 10."I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner 11."You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." --Nora Ephron 12."Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers 13."Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein 14."If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 58
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Laredo Texas cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses; And one gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" Another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "for our 25th anniversary, I took Martha up to Dallas. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go back there and get her."
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 57
"Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Americans, or others can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. "Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam says, "Hmm, fill it with water!"
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 54
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 53
Two monkeys were discussing evolution: "You mean to tell me that people think I really am my keeper's brother?"
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 52
Sign on a mirror: Appearances aren't everything, It just looks that way.
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 51
If you believe in psychokinesis, please raise my hand.
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 50
The Van Gogh Family Tree His obnoxious brother............................Please Gogh His dizzy aunt...................................Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes.......................Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store....Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia..................U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white.......Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois.........................Chica Gogh His magician uncle...............................Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin...............................Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother.......Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach...............Wellsfar Gogh The constipated uncle............................Cant Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt........................Tan Gogh The bird lover uncle.............................Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst.........................E Gogh The fruit loving cousin..........................Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking.............Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew.........................Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco.........................Go Gogh His niece who travels the country in a van.......Winnie Bay Gogh
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 49
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then marry him).
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 48
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said: Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed" Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't know", You put down, "Neither do I"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 47
New Definitions ~~~~~~~~~ Divorce : Future tense of marriage. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power... Dictionary : A place where success comes before work. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes. Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 42
Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company. Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it. B. Penicillin Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. A dog is always happy to see you B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. What did God say after creating man? I can do better. What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river. What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove. How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it. What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women." What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares? How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen?? How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes Why is it good that there are women astronauts? So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini Why do men like blonde jokes so much? Because they can understand them What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business. Why is a man different from a PC? You only have to tell the PC once What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him. Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites Attract. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 41
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not," he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead." Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 39
Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: -------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. -------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ------------------------------ FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG ----------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ----------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD. ----------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ----------------------------- TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ------------------------------ COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. ----------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY ----------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" ---------------------------------- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS ------------------------------------- HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" --------------------------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB ---------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE ------------------------------------ TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR. ------------------------------------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175. -------------------------------------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. -------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ------------------------------------ ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER ------------------------------------ OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS ------------------------------------ FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 38
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this year's winning entries: 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 36
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. "The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 35
A thoroughly distraught man rushes into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog. The vet examines the dog's still, limp body and sadly informs the man that the dog is dead. Agitated, the man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat, and places the cat on the table with the dog. The cat walks from head to tail sniffing the body, and looks up at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the cat thinks your dog is dead, too." Resigned, the man says, "OK, how much do I owe you?" "$350," the vet says. "$350 to tell me my dog is dead?" "Well, it. was only $50 for my diagnosis. The $300 is for the catscan."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 33
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1966." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and asked, "What did you teach?"
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 31
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
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Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 29
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,"Lord,I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge".
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 28
INDIAN FORECASTING It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 27
KEEPING THE STREETS CLEAR Jerry and his blonde wife live in Cheyenne. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jerry's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jerry's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out. Jerry's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Jerry says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 26
Afghan TV Guide. SUNDAY: 8:00 - My 33 Sons 8:30 - Osama Knows Best 9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed 9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal 10:00 - The Kuwaiti Hillbillies MONDAY: 8:00 - Husseinfeld 9:00 - Mad About Everything 9:30 - Monday Night Stoning 10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money 10:30 - Allah McBeal TUESDAY: 8:00 - Wheel of Terror 8:30 - The Price Is Right If Osama Says It's Right 9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things 9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers 1 0:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer WEDNESDAY: 8:00 - Beat the Press 8:30 - When Kurds Attack 9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread 9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone 10:00 - Veilwatch THURSDAY: 8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi 8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H 9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils 9:30 - Married With 139 Children 10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News FRIDAY: 8:00 - Judge Saddam 8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions 9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire? 9:30 - Cave and Garden Television 10:00 - No-Witness News SATURDAY: 8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban 8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway? 9:00 - Teletalibans 9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 25
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 24
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 23
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 22
After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose. James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees. Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 66 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged. As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 21
Attorney General John Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation he says, "Alright, boys and girls, you can ask me questions now." A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have two questions: "1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? and "2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?" Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back to class and Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions." A young girl named Yolanda raises her hand and says, "I have four questions: "1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? "2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties? "3. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? and "4. Where's Bobby?"
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 20
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there is nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 19
Office Humor: ** Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. ** If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. ** Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. ** Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ** Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity ** A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. ** If at first you don't succeed, try management. ** Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. ** TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. ** The beatings will continue until morale improves. ** Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. ** We waste time, so you don't have to. ** Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! ** Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. ** A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. ** When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. ** INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. ** Succeed in spite of management. ** Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 18
Signs that you're on a no-frills airline: ** You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change. ** Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. ** The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. ** When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. ** The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. ** You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once." ** No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. ** You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. ** All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 17
Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is boil the chicken in water then Dump The Stock.
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 16
Grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 15
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe somebody can adopt you.
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 14
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 13
When they say "instant credit," don't they actually mean "instant debt"?
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 12
Q: How do you tickle a rich girl? A: Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 10
European Union The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "0" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas...
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 9
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: * She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. * Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. * Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. * Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. * And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 8
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 7
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 6
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 5
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 4
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 3
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 2
A couple is lying in bed... The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
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Date: 0000-00-00

Joke Number: 1
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Michigan State." And they say blondes are dumb...
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Date: 0000-00-00

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