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Joke Number: 183
Beer Theories Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. - H.L. Mencken When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! George Bernard Shaw Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with beer like pizza. -- Dave Barry Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c. -- W.C. Fields Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. Professor Irwin Corey To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-05-17

Joke Number: 112
Southern Humor One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?" "Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!" "Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
Submitted by: JD
Date: 2004-04-01

Joke Number: 98
Great lines from job evaluations: 1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there. 5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better. 10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching. 12. A room temperature IQ. 13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together. 14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 16. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 17. Bright as Alaska in December. 18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. 19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 20. Fell out of the family tree. 21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it. 23. He's so dense, light bends around him. 24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund. 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 29. One neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. 32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 97
Seniors: A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 88
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN! I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to getup. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so very cared for...long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care. I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians... I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh... I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate. I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. I'm walking more... (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the "initial" state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. I'm wondering; if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory. I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins. I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the key to the storeroom. I'm a senior citizen and I think I am having the time of my life...aren't I?
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 30
Southern Humor Did you hear about the guy from Mississippi who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow? She can't touch it 'til she's 16. How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead." Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama? Documentaries. Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush. A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver,"Got any I.D.?" "Bout wut?" Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in South Carolina burned down? "Yep. Pert' near took out the whole damn trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them". A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced, they're STILL brother and sister.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

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