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Joke Number: 244
The George W Bush Presidential Library
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations. The Library will include:
1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous Quotes by George W. Bush:
1. 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
2. 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
3. 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
4. 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
5. 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
6. 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
7. 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
8. 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
9. 'The future will be better tomorrow.'
10. 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
11. 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
12. 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
13. 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
14. 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
15. 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.' - George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY! Sincerely, Jack Abramoff, Co-Chair , G. W. Bush Library Board of Directors

Submitted by: Jonnee
Date: 2009-03-23

Joke Number: 243
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'" When asked to comment on the arrest, Senator McCain said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." Republican leaders told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Senator.
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2008-08-22

Joke Number: 237
*_New Element on Periodic Table_* A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium." Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W." Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration . This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
Submitted by: Randy
Date: 2007-03-04

Joke Number: 235
Question: How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb? Answer: TEN. 1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed; 2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed; 3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb; 4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness; 5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new light bulb; 6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor and standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished" ; 7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally "in the dark" the whole time; 8. Another one to viciously smear #7; 9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along; 10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country. And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb. Pass this on. Help cure Mad Cowboy Disease.
Submitted by: JD
Date: 2007-01-01

Joke Number: 211
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I would like to see my accountant on my operating table, because when you open him up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third doc says, "No, I think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth chimes in: "You know, I prefer construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. George Bush would be the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and his head and his ass are interchangeable."
Submitted by: Jon
Date: 2006-06-16

Joke Number: 209
Things Republicans believe: Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born( in perpetuity.) What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
Submitted by: Randy
Date: 2006-04-10

Joke Number: 205
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
Submitted by: Les
Date: 2006-03-06

Joke Number: 137
To: The Citizens of the United States of America In light of your failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Effective today, Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, for the 97.5% of you who have heretofore been unaware that there is a world beyond your borders) will soon appoint a former Canadian Governor-General as Minister for American Affairs without the need for further elections, recounts or court decisions. The House of Representatives, the Senate, the Supreme Court, the various state governors, legislatures and courts will be immediately disbanded. A questionnaire will be distributed in one year to determine if any of you noticed. To aid in your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced and will have immediate effect: 1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. While you are at it, look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you must raise your vocabulary to a civilized level. 2. Look up "vocabulary". Be advised that using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noices such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of communication. Be advised as well, that saying "duh" does not amount to trenchant critical commentary. Similarly, saying "awesome" is an inadequate way to express approval. Also, the verb "to go" is not a synonym for the verb "to say". Look up "interspersed". 3. Be advised that there is no such thing as "US English." We will advise Microsoft on your behalf. 4. Learn to distinguish among the accents of people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Scotland and at least four different communities in England (Yorkshire, Liverpool, Cockney and BBC are recommended). 5. Henceforward, Hollywood will occasionally cast English actors as the good guys. 6. Learn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen," but only after carrying out Rule # 1 (we would not want you to get confused and quit half way through). 7. Stop playing "American football." Instead, play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you who are brave enough may, in time, be allowed to play rugby, rugger or Australian Rules football. But beware, you will not be allowed to ward off tackles by sticking up your hand and lisping "fair catch," nor will you be permitted to stop for a rest every twenty seconds, nor may you indulge in the wearing of full body armour like the nancies you are. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but it will be celebrated only in the United Kingdom and the Dominions. It will be called "Indecision Day". 9. All American automobiles are hereby banned. It is for your own good. American vehicles are crap. When we show you German, Swedish and some of the more expensive Italian and British automobiles, you will understand what we mean 10. Please tell us who really shot J.F.K. It has been driving us crazy. Thank you for your attention.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2004-10-20

Joke Number: 127
"Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'" —Jay Leno "Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman "Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien "Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman "Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman "President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman "President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman "President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off." —Jay Leno "Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There's a switch — the environment hurting Bush." —Jay Leno "President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike." —Jay Leno "You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously." —Jay Leno "A White House spokesmen said he fell because it's been raining a lot and the top soil is loose. We went ahead and looked up the rain for real in Crawford, Texas. May 15th, 0.0 inches of rain. May 16th, 0.0 inches of rain. 17th no rain. 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd no rain. First he chokes on a pretzel; now he fell off his bike. Mr. President, when are you going to admit that Laura is abusing you? There is no shame in being a battered husband." —Jimmy Kimmel "With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something." —Craig Kilborn "Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented." —Craig Kilborn "The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'" —Conan O'Brien "President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno "President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." —Jay Leno "Two big announcements coming out of Washington, D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended." —David Letterman "According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'" —David Letterman "We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno "President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year." —Jay Leno "The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." —Jay Leno "I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman "It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman "In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien "Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman "CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman "President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno "Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman "In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey "Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' —Conan O'Brien "President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." —David Letterman "President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense — he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman "President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" —Jay Leno "President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." —Craig Kilborn "There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" —Craig Kilborn "Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." —Jay Leno "They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." —Jay Leno "John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." —David Letterman "President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno "John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." —Jay Leno "President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." —Jay Leno "President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" —Jay Leno "President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme — 'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?" —Jay Leno "I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs." —David Letterman "The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News." —Craig Kilborn "The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds — kind of like his stint in the National Guard." —David Letterman "Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different — his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." —Jay Leno "There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since…President Bush." —David Letterman "Is it me or is President Bush's life starting to sound like a country song. He's from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down." —Jay Leno "Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?" —Jay Leno "The Democrats say that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don't go well, he exits in November." —Jay Leno "It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd." —David Letterman "A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." —Jay Leno "There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office." —David Letterman "President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on is his own. The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs." —Jay Leno "In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno "It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." —Jay Leno "In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in November." —Jay Leno "In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy." —Craig Kilborn "Political analysts say that President Bush's re-election strategy is to try and convince Americans that he's a war president. I don't get that, do you think that'll work? I mean, don't you think that if he tries to convince the American people that we need a war president, isn't he afraid that they're going to vote for the guy that was actually in a war?" —Jay Leno "The White House has finally found one guy that kinda remembers serving with President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just need to find someone who remembers Bush working on an economic plan. ... I think the White House spent more money looking for this guy than finding weapons of mass destruction." —Jay Leno "The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." —Jay Leno "There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." —David Letterman "There's this huge controversy over the fact that President Bush apparently received credit for National Guard service in Alabama in '72 and '73 even though his commanding officers are saying he never reported. I think what's even more disturbing is that he received enough credits to graduate from Yale." —Jay Leno "Bush did have an explanation, he said he did go to Alabama but when he didn't find weapons of mass destruction, he went back to Texas." —Jay Leno "As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He's going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's back in the National Guard." —Jay Leno "Critics are now saying that his dad got him out of going to Vietnam. However, his dad did get him to go to Iraq." —Jay Leno "Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one." —Craig Kilborn "The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'" —Jay Leno "President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?" —Craig Kilborn "On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'" —Jay Leno "They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." —Bill Maher "Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial." —Bill Maher "New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' ... For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are 'sorry' and 'nuclear.' Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me." —Bill Maher "Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn "If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.'" —Jon Stewart "One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." —Jay Leno "This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." —Jay Leno "President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." —David Letterman "This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. Americans are asking, 'What did President Bush not know?' and 'When did he mispronounce it?'" —Craig Kilborn "Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" —Jay Leno "It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was." —Craig Kilborn "Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course, George W. Bush for 'Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.'" —Jay Leno "A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." —Jay Leno "As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words." —Jay Leno "President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in the newspapers every day." —Jay Leno "President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went. Who better than Bush as an example of what can happen when you take a job without any training." —Jay Leno "President Bush gave his State of the Union speech. I think he is getting a little cocky. Instead of playing Hail to the Chief, he was lowered to the podium to 'We are the Champions.'" —Craig Kilborn "President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon, which would be a really big story if this were 1962. Bush said he didn't remember anything about the 60's — I guess he wasn't lying." —Jay Leno "President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth." —Jon Stewart "President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan — to drill where no man has drilled before." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again." —David Letterman "Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written a book about his years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush while at cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed, distracted, he's passive, and the Democrats are saying to themselves — how can we possibly beat this guy?" —David Letterman
Submitted by: Don
Date: 2004-06-25

Joke Number: 92
From the year 2000, You're A Republican If: 1) You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault. 2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. 3) You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time. 4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate only opposite-gender marriages and what your official language should be. 5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit. 6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha. 7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins. 8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever. 9) You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and former President Clinton. 10) You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes. 11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives. 12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans. 13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex. 14) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution. 15) You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist. 16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away. 17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading. 18) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco. 19) You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any. 20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein. 21) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that that bastard Clinton should have been impeached.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 91
SURVIVOR, TEXAS STYLE Network television is developing a Texas version of "Survivor", the popular TV show. Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Ft. Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm a democrat. I support wildlife, the environment, peace, syntax, intellect, choice, new energy, gun control, and consumer rights. I'm Jewish, and gay." The first to complete the round trip is the winner.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 89
BUSHONICS SPEAKERS STRIKE BACK We're mad as hell and we won't be misunderestimated anymore! (by Tom McNichol) The day Lisa Shaw's son Tyler came home from school with tears streaming down his cheeks, the 34-year-old Crawford, Texas, homemaker, knew things had gone too far. "All of Tyler's varying and sundry friends was making fun of the way he talked," Shaw says. "I am not a revengeful person, but I couldn't let this behaviorism slip into acceptability. This is not the way America is about." Shaw and her son are two of a surprising number of Americans who speak a form of nonstandard English that linguists have dubbed "Bushonics", in honor of the dialect's most famous speaker, President George W. Bush. The most striking features of Bushonics — tangled syntax, mispronunciations, run-on sentences, misplaced modifiers and a wanton disregard for subject-verb agreement — are generally considered to be "bad" or "ungrammatical" by linguists and society at large. But that attitude may be changing. Bushonics speakers, emboldened by the Bush presidency, are beginning to make their voices heard. Lisa Shaw has formed a support group for local speakers of the dialect and is demanding that her son's school offer "a full blown up apologism". And a growing number of linguists argue that Bushonics isn't a collection of language "mistakes" but rather a well-formed linguistic system, with its own lexical, phonological and syntactic patterns. "These people are greatly misunderestimated," says University of Texas linguistics professor James Bundy, himself a Bushonics speaker. "They're not lacking in intelligence facilities by any stretch of the mind. They just have a differing way of speechifying." It's difficult to say just how many Bushonics speakers there are in America, although professor Bundy claims "their numbers are legionary". Many who speak the dialect are ashamed to utter it in public and will only open up to a group of fellow speakers. One known hotbed of Bushonics is Crawford, the tiny central Texas town near the president's 1,600-acre ranch. Other centers are said to include Austin and Midland, Texas, New Haven, Conn., and Kennebunkport, Maine. Bushonics is widely spoken in corporate boardrooms, and has long been considered a kind of secret language among members of the fraternity Delta Kappa Epsilon. Bushonics speakers have ascended to top jobs at places like the Internal Revenue Service and the Department of Health and Human Services. By far the greatest concentration of Bushonics speakers is found in the U.S. military. Former Secretary of State Alexander Haig is only the most well known Bushonics speaker to serve with distinction in America's armed forces. Among the military's top brass, the dialect is considered to be the unofficial language of the Pentagon. Former President George H.W. Bush spoke a somewhat diluted form of the dialect that bears his family's name, which may have influenced his choice for vice president, Dan Quayle, who spoke an Indiana strain of Bushonics. The impressive list of people who speak the dialect is a frequent topic at Lisa Shaw's weekly gathering of Bushonics speakers. That so many members of their linguistic community have risen to positions of power comes as a comfort to the group, and a source of inspiration. "We feel a good deal less aloneness, my guess is you would want to call it," Shaw says. "It just goes to show the living proof that expectations rise above that which is expected." Some linguists still contend, however, that the term "Bushonics" is being used as a crutch to excuse poor grammar and sloppy logic. "I'm sorry, but these people simply don't know how to talk properly," says Thomas Gayle, a speech professor at Stanford University. Professor Gayle was raised by Bushonic parents, and says he occasionally catches himself lapsing into the dialect. "When it happens, it can be very misconcerting," Gayle says. "I understand Bushonics. I was one. But under full analyzation, it's really just an excuse to stay stupider." It's talk like that that angers many Bushonics speakers, who say they're routinely the victims of prejudice. "The attacks on Bushonics demonstrate a lack of compassion and amount to little more than hate speech," says a prominent Bushonics leader who spoke on the condition that his quote be "cleaned up." Increasingly, members of the Bushonics community are fighting back. Lisa Shaw's Crawford-based group is pressing the local school board to institute bilingual classes, and to eliminate the study of English grammar altogether. "It's an orientation of being fairness based," Shaw says. A Bushonics group in New England has embarked on an ambitious project to translate key historical documents into the dialect, beginning with the Bill of Rights. (For instance, the Second Amendment rendered into Bushonics reads: "Guns. They're American, for the regulated militia and the people to bear. Can't take them away for infringement purposes. Not never.") Bushonics activists say they'll keep fighting as long as there are still children who come home from school crying because their classmates can't understand a word they're saying. Lisa Shaw hopes that every American will heed the words of the nation's No. 1 Bushonics speaker, and vow to be a uniter, not a divider. "We shouldn't be cutting down the pie smaller," Shaw says with quiet dignity. "We ought to make the pie higher."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-04

Joke Number: 85
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begin's to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-03

Joke Number: 84
George W. Bushisms: "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." - George W. Bush "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." - Governor George W. Bush "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." - Governor George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." - Governor George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." - Governor George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - Governor George W. Bush "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - Governor George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy." - Governor George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - Governor George W. Bush "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Governor George W. Bush "For NASA, space is still a high priority." - Governor George W. Bush "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." - Governor George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Governor George W. Bush "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." - Governor George W. Bush And something to be REALLY worried about:
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-02-03

Joke Number: 11
Attorney General John Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation he says, "Alright, boys and girls, you can ask me questions now." A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have two questions: "1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? and "2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?" Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back to class and Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions." A young girl named Yolanda raises her hand and says, "I have four questions: "1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? "2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties? "3. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? and "4. Where's Bobby?"
Submitted by:
Date: 0000-00-00

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