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Joke Number: 245
Detroit, MI (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Detroit courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.
Submitted by: Don
Date: 2009-03-21

Joke Number: 234
One foggy night, a Buckeye fan was heading north from Columbus and a Michigan fan was driving south from Ann Arbor. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars. The Michigan fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Buckeye fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived. The Wolverine fan walks over to the Buckeye fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals." The Buckeye fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck." The Buckeye fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Wolverine, "I think this is another sign- we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Wolverine fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Wolverine fan hands it back to the Buckeye fan and says, "Your turn!" The Buckeye fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up." Taken from http://www.scottkropko.com/michigan_still_sucks.htm
Submitted by: Angie Swartz
Date: 2006-11-07

Joke Number: 188
Senior Golf Rules Rule #1 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena. Rule #2 A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there. Rule #3 There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it! a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke. Rule #4 If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it's deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. Rule #5 Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game. Rule #6 There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty. Rule #7 There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float.That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings. Rule #8 Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2005-06-13

Joke Number: 153
THIS JUST IN REGARDING CHILD CUSTODY CASE (SUPREME COURT-2004): A 7 YEAR OLD OHIO BOY SPOKE OUT IN HIS OWN CUSTODY CASE. APPARENTLY BOTH MOTHER AND FATHER WERE PURSUING CUSTODY OF THE CHILD. WHEN THE MOTHER WAS GRANTED CUSTODY, THE BOY CRIED OUT THAT HIS MOTHER BEAT HIM REGULARLY. THE JUDGE THEN GRANTED CUSTODY TO THE FATHER. AGAIN THE BOY CRIED OUT SAYING HIS DAD BEAT HIM WORSE THAN HIS MOTHER. THE JUDGE THEN GAVE CUSTODY TO THE AUNT, BUT THE BOY PRODUCED EVIDENCE THAT THE AUNT ALSO BEAT HIM. THE GRANDPARENTS WERE ALSO RULED OUT BECAUSE OF SIMILAR BEATINGS. FINALLY, AFTER DAYS OF DELIBERATION, THE JUDGE AWARDED THE BOY TO THE CLEVELAND BROWNS AS BOTH THE JUDGE AND THE BOY AGREED THAT THE BROWNS ARE INCAPABLE OF BEATING ANYBODY.....
Submitted by: Don
Date: 2004-12-13

Joke Number: 68
SPORTS QUOTES: Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson, on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Redskins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I am going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level except college and pro." Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991) Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy, no-good officiating." (1986) Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991) Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996) Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'" He said 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991) Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991) Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

Joke Number: 34
Three Packer fans and three Bear fans are traveling by train to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. At the station, the three Bear fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Packer fans buy only a single ticket between them. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Bear fan. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Packer fan. They all board the train. The Bear fans take their respective seats, but all three Packer fans cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Bear fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After visiting the Hall of Fame, the Bear fans decide to copy the Packer fans (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (not wanting to be out-done by a bunch of Cheeseheads). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Packer fans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Bear fan. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Packer fan. When they board the train, the three Bear fans cram into a rest room and the three Packer fans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Packer fans leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Bear fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please.."
Submitted by:
Date: 2004-01-31

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