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Joke Number: 249
Canine Philosophy

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

There is no psychiatrist in the world
like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that
loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never had to wash a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can -- that's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

Submitted by: Dennis
Date: 2010-11-06

Joke Number: 248
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said, 'we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning the weather had cleared and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

Submitted by: Jonnee
Date: 2010-08-25

Joke Number: 244
The George W Bush Presidential Library
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations. The Library will include:
1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous Quotes by George W. Bush:
1. 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
2. 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
3. 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
4. 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
5. 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
6. 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
7. 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
8. 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
9. 'The future will be better tomorrow.'
10. 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
11. 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
12. 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
13. 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
14. 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
15. 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.' - George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY! Sincerely, Jack Abramoff, Co-Chair , G. W. Bush Library Board of Directors

Submitted by: Jonnee
Date: 2009-03-23

Joke Number: 245
Detroit, MI (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Detroit courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.
Submitted by: Don
Date: 2009-03-21

Joke Number: 246
Subject: NEW FINANCIAL TERMS BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Submitted by:
Date: 2008-10-08

Joke Number: 243
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'" When asked to comment on the arrest, Senator McCain said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." Republican leaders told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Senator.
Submitted by: Phil
Date: 2008-08-22

Joke Number: 242
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
Submitted by: The Sundance Kid
Date: 2008-03-11

Joke Number: 241
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out! ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. " BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMET When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Submitted by:
Date: 2008-01-22

Joke Number: 239
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, You might live in Minnesota. If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, You might live in Minnesota. If you have ever refused to buy something because it's 'too spendy', You might live in Minnesota If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, You might live in Minnesota . If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, You might live in Minnesota If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in Minnesota If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You might live in Minnesota If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, You might live in Minnesota If you know how to say...Wayzata...Mahtomedi ... Cloquet Edina...and Shakopee, You might live in Minnesota If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, You might live in Minnesota If vacation means going 'up north' for the weekend, You might live in Minnesota If you measure distance in hours, You might live in Minnesota If You know several people, who have hit deer more than once, You might live in Minnesota If You often switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, You might live in Minnesota If You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, You might live in Minnesota If You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, You might live in Minnesota If You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, You might live in Minnesota You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison, You might live in Minnesota You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them, You might live in Minnesota If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lots at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time, You might live in Minnesota If You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, You might live in Minnesota If Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You might live in Minnesota If You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and of course, road construction, You might live in Minnesota If You can identify a southern or eastern accent, You might live in Minnesota If Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce, You might live in Minnesota If 'Down South' to you means Iowa , You might live in Minnesota If You know 'a brat' is something you eat, You might live in Minnesota If You find -10 degrees 'a little chilly', You might live in Minnesota If You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends, You DO live in Minnesota OR you might be from Minnesota
Submitted by: From the guy who liv
Date: 2007-12-10

Joke Number: 240
LADIES - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant quick fix. REAL WOMEN - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it: So you will bloody well eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes". ************************************************ LADIES - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. REAL WOMEN - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who gives a shit. ************************************************** LADIES - Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. REAL WOMEN - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your arse on the couch, with your feet up anyway. ************************************************** LADIES - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. REAL WOMEN - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs. ************************************************** LADIES - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake. REAL WOMEN - Go to the bakery they'll even decorate the sonofabitch for you. ********************************************** LADIES - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. REAL WOMEN - Sara Lee frozen bloody pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don't do it. *********************************************** LADIES - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. REAL WOMEN - Go ask the very HOT sexy guy who has just moved on next door to do it. ************************************************ And finally the most important tip.... LADIES - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. REAL WOMEN - Leftover wine?? Hello ??? ************************************************* A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a TRUE FRIEND will be sitting next to you saying, damn...that was fun! Source unknown.
Submitted by: Jonnee
Date: 2007-08-07

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